based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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