I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
