Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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