She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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