I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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