if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
