the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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