i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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