I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
