I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
