hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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