I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
