and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
