I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
