If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
