You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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