He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And then the night went full on bisexual.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
