i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
