at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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