mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.