Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
