dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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