Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
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Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize