yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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