there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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