when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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