i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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