I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
