That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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