I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You just made me feel so damn special
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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