Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
