sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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