addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
