SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
