That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
