he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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