just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
