I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
