You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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