Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
