My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
