i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
