God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
