How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
