Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
