so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
