nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
