when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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