tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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