Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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