Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
