It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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