Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
