I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
