So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
